India Trip 09-2019 Part IV - How it Changed Me
This final entry on the trip to India last September is a reflection of how this trip and the associated experiences affected me. By putting myself in a vulnerable position in service to the Lord, God drew me closer and enabled me to begin to work with him. I experienced Him in ways I had sought for years while there.
Plowing New Ground and Breaking Some Old Chains
Prior to and even during the trip, old sins haunted my mind particularly during times I would try to pray. They shaped my thoughts, distracting or distorting what was supposed to be my uninhibited time with the Father in an instant. They would shape me to act not in love, but out of fear of making a mistake again, or guilt that told me I wasn’t worthy. This pattern of thought ultimately robbed me of the freedom and power the Holy Spirit grants. I was blocking myself from a deeper experience with the Holy Spirit. Of course, I didn’t really realize this prior to the trip. It was all very subtle. It didn’t happen all the time, and it didn’t affect every conversation I had with God. But it was there, and it was obstructing my vision. This guilt and fear was brought to the front of my mind during prayer on the trip, as I examined what was really holding me back from taking larger steps in faith. Those old chains needed to be broken.
I always thought my largest blocker to the experiences and gifts of the Holy Spirit was my skepticism. As it turns out, my skepticism really was not a problem. Skepticism Is biblical after all; the Word says we should “test every spirit.” I was excited at the prospect of getting to see God work among us, I just don’t want to be fooled by some false sentimentality, or something worse. God isn’t scared of proving something to us, He knows the world we live in. Once I saw God genuinely healing people and changing their lives, once I had that experience, I could believe and accept it. Is there some doubt that creeps in from time to time? Sure. But then I see God work again, and again. It then becomes harder to doubt. The experience of God working was and is critical for me. It is the start of a deeper relationship with God. I can trust him more easily now. I can worship Him more deeply now, because I’ve seen that He is worthy of it. I’ve seen Him do some amazing things, after all.
While on the trip, before I had really worked through some of the guilt I mentioned above, God began to give me dreams. Some were dreams of the future, that still haven’t come to pass yet, and some were showing me that I could trust Pastor Praveen which was pretty immediately important given that I was 100% reliant on him during the trip. One was directly warning me of danger during the trip. In that one, God spoke to me very clearly, and my heeding the warning absolutely kept me safe from some trouble the next day.
As we were on the way back from Telangana on the train, God began to show me I was still tied down with sinful thoughts leftover from a carnal lifestyle in my earlier years. It was probably about 3 or 4a.m. and I laid prostrate on the floor of the train, asking God to help me untie myself. In my mind’s eye, I saw a shackle unlock. That was it. Release. So simple, but I could feel it. Even now, when my mind starts to go to places it shouldn’t, I remember the unlocked shackles and ask myself if I really want to put them back on.
A day or so later, back in Trivandrum, during worship with Pastor Praveen. I began to speak in a tongue. Now, I don’t speak in tongues, or at least I didn’t think I did. The idea of it weirded me out, it still does a little bit actually. It always felt like something forced, and I was often suspicious of others I’d hear doing this of fooling themselves and others. It just sounded like “sha-ba-la-ba” to me.
So, what was I doing speaking in some unknown language during prayer now? Well, it felt like the most natural thing I’d ever done. I wasn’t trying to speak in tongues. I was just worshiping freely and all of the sudden I wasn’t speaking in a language I knew, but that didn’t really matter. I was worshiping, that’s what mattered.
Why now?
Why all of this spiritual breakthrough during the trip? Why not while I was at home praying in my bedroom?
I think the simple answer here is that I was participating in His work and being open to His working through me. 1 Corinthians 14:1 says “Follow the way of love and eagerly desire gifts of the Spirit…” You need both love, expressed through Kingdom work (See James 2:26), and an open, eager desire for His enabling. I was not just asking for more revelation, power, etc. in my bedroom for my own sake; I was beginning to do more for His purpose. He used a dream to protect me while I was learning how to serve Him in the field. I was praying for healing and deliverance of cities. However, I can’t be as effective in prayer if I myself am tied down by fear and guilt. So He helped me release that. Along the way, we have grown closer, and I can worship in more intimate ways, including praying in tongues which I believe will allow further enabling for deeper work.
Still Clay in the Potter’s Hand
His work in me is certainly not complete. I expect it never will be as long as I’m here on the earth. The main reason I was eager to go on the trip is that I wanted to see God’s healing and deliverance at work through Pastor Praveen. In retrospect, this feels very selfish to me. I should have been looking forward to the actual deliverance and healing the people at the conferences would receive. That admittedly, at least in the beginning, was secondary to me. However, our God is very gracious. It is clear He wanted me to go, and He took me where I was at and worked with me to set my eyes towards Him instead of just the experience of what He’s doing.
I realized as people who I never met before asked me to pray for them, I often felt at a loss. It was difficult for me to have immediate understanding and compassion for their prayers. That experience helped me realize that if I want to be more effective in prayer for others, especially in healing and deliverance, I need to be able to feel as they do, experience their need, and love them as the Lord loves them. Seeking how to love as He loves in all things, towards my family, friends, coworkers, church, adversaries, and people I just met that are in need, is my current focus for growth (see 1 Corinthians 13:1-3).
One practice I learned from Pastor Praveen and his family is a daily worship and prayer session after dinner. I was invited into this by Pastor Praveen while with his brother in law and sister’s house. It was a very intimate time of song and prayer to the Lord. Everyone sat on the floor in a circle and sang songs to the Lord together. I brought that back home to my family. It’s helped to connect us, and strengthens God’s presence in our house. It also motivates me to do more as the spiritual head of the house for my wife and children.
After returning from India, I was riding on a “spiritual high” for a few weeks. I continued to wake at 3a.m. to pray and worship for the first week. I must confess, as the routine of life began to set in, I did not sustain this. My “spiritual dial” went down a few notches. All relationships need not only common purpose but also shared time to build, this is certainly the case with my wife, my coworkers, and friends. I found it is true with God too. If I don’t have both sufficient quality time and shared purpose with God then I begin to drift a bit away from him. Intentionality in time and purpose is very important. I have found fasting helps to focus that as a preparation for service, but it is preparatory - not an end of itself. Seeking out and doing works of the Kingdom is the way to stay close to the Lord. Walking with Him in the way that Enoch walked with Him doesn’t mean just a stroll and a chat to catch up and ask for some guidance. It means co-laboring with Him. I am now seeking daily how I can be where God is instead of only asking Him to come and be with me.
I’ll update as the Lord gives me insight and progress to share. Not because I need to tell my story, but because I hope that my journey will encourage and give insight to others seeking to walk with the Lord closer.